Cheated, but not defeated

Have you ever wanted to ask your partner if they are creeping while you are sleeping? Do you know what you are going to do after hearing a potentially gut-punching answer?

Let me tell you about this clip from the Braxton Family Values (BFV). These ladies will tell you why you shouldn’t ask.

On an episode of BFV, the ladies discussed  infidelity in relationships and Toni delivered a message that will sink in and make you think.

She said, Never ask your man about another woman. Because if you are not going to do something about it you will become the other woman’.  Tamar asks how do you become the other woman and Toni adds, You ask about the other woman and don’t do anything he doesn’t respect you anymore because you are accepting it. So don’t ask unless you have an action behind it“. 

I agree with Toni, but I do not agree with accepting cheating. Toni could be thinking out of sight out of mind, but when it boils down that is still accepting it. I would like to think that if the person you are dealing with is stepping out in the relationship that things should be over. That isn’t always the case,though; sometimes we still stay.

After watching the clip a few questions came to mind regarding their conversation:

  1. Should you ask a question that you don’t want the answer to?
  2. Why do we stay? Are we dumb for staying?
  3. Can you ever trust or move on from infidelity?

Should you ask a question that you don’t want the answer to?

A question will lead you to an answer. I agree with Toni when she says do not ask unless you are prepared to do something. When you are asking a question like that you must already be prepared for the answer you ultimately don’t want. You are asking because you have a sense that something is going on already. So what do you have planned?

There is a saying that goes, “If you go looking, you will find it“. If you snoop in your partners things you will find something. The same goes with asking a question you might not want the answer to. I found this out the hard way in a previous relationship and got my feelings hurt each time. Now that I am older, I see how that should have been my sign to end things. You are only making yourself unhappy, especially if you decide to stay each time.

Why do we stay?

You find out he cheated and you still stay with him. Now you have to come up with a reason to explain to everyone why you are staying. Do not give them an answer. You are still there because you are in love, and you want to try and make things work. This is your relationship and you are in it until the wheels fall off.  Some people make the mistake of  letting people know to many details of their relationship, and start making decisions based on other’s opinion. Those same friends will offer you advice of how they would leave his ass, so you can be single with them trying to prove that they are happy being single. Girl bye. You do not owe anyone an explanation and you do not need their advice on the matter.

We associate weakness with continuing a relationship with someone who has stepped out in the relationship. Why? What is wrong with trying to make things work and get back to those happy moments? That is why you are staying, and there is nothing wrong about that. When you are truly tired and feel you’ve had enough, that is when you will leave.

Ask yourself, “Am I happy? Does he make me happy?”

Sometimes your partner needs to see how life will be without you to truly see how much they care for you. Realizing that with them it was just sex, and you two connect on things more than physical. Something he only has with you.

Image result for your connection is deeper gif

Can you ever trust again or move on from this?

Trying to rebuild trust and move forward is the hardest part with continuing your relationship. This becomes the biggest challenge because you will never forget that moment when your heart felt like it was stomped on. The smallest thing can serve as a trigger to take you back to that moment. This is what will create doubt, and for you to question everything. It will eat away at you, because you love him more than he can even imagine. And he still hurt you.

Here is where we mess up the most: due to doubting them, you nag and are always questioning them. How do you move forward if you are continuing to bring up the past you want to forget? (Okay, now that was deep). You have to realize that as you continue to bring up the past you are pushing them away. Try to stop telling him each time you have this feeling and  find a way to take your mind off of it. You do not know how he may have changed.  Maybe he realized that you are not worth losing and he is trying. The constant doubt gives the impression he will never be able to prove himself to you, and you are now hurting him. Now no one is winning. Rebuilding the trust will take some time, so you have to decide if it is worth it.

You have to love them as much as you can today.

Love is a gamble. We just have to hope our hand is a good one.

 

 

 

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Friend or foe? Stay or go?

Have you ever asked yourself why you are friends with someone? Ever wonder what it is about this person that you want to keep around and not just drop?

I have asked myself that several times about a few of my friends. So Let Me Tell You why you keep dealing with these individuals, so you can stop asking yourself those questions.

I struggle with letting go of certain people and ending friendships.  Many times, I have asked myself why, and even stopped talking to said individuals only to find myself to repeating the cycle.

It is draining.

Reliving memorable moments that you have shared with this person could be a reason you struggle with letting go. Reflecting on moments of partying, thotting, and having fun together. Remembering that time when they had your back in a difficult situation. You revisit those memories and you want to create more with that individual, because actual good friends are hard to find.

As we get older we realize that making new friends is not easy. You have formed strong bonds with people who already understand you. These are usually the friends that you do not see as much.  There is that coworker that you befriend, but you only go out to happy hour together. That friendship mainly stays in the workplace, however. When you realize that you can count the number of friends you have with one hand, cutting one off means your small list becomes smaller, so you put up with the friend you want to drop.

If you decide that you will keep this “friend” around, but want to change how the relationship functions to discontinue the cycle, here are two options to prevent you from repeating the cycle in your relationships.

One way is to take some time and separate yourself from that person. Giving them time to focus on themselves is what I call it. Keep conversation to a minimum.  This worked for me because I do not allow things with this person to upset me anymore. You are simply not phased by their ill behavior anymore. In a way you stopped caring.

The other way you can keep this person around is by considering them a good time girl. A good time girl is just that to you, a good time.  This is the friend that you just party and get your life with. You no longer share secrets with them, and your personal business is never discussed. This is typically that friend who tried to use personal information against you. You might consider referring to this friend as an associate. An associate is someone who you are getting to know. You typically refer to someone as an associate in the beginning of a friendship, but we are applying it here to rebuild a friendship.  In the future, you may grow into more with them, but for now you just focus on the turn up.

A good friend is hard to find, but a friend with bad intentions shouldn’t be kept around.

So is this person a friend or foe?

Mood Music: ‘Fall For You’ Leela James

Just when you think that you have built up walls to not cry over Jasmine Sullivan, Adele, and good ole Mary J. Blige you find another song to tug at your emotions and throw you back in your feelings.

Let me tell you about the song ‘Fall For You by Leela James, and how this song helped me take residence in my feelings.

The beauty of her voice when she sings the lyrics captures you, and puts you into a trance. And when you realize you are in the same situation she is singing about you are pulled in deeper. You realize that you are falling yourself and start smile with uncertainty.

In the song she asks, “Would you catch me if I fall for you?” A simple question, but a damn hard one to ask.  From my own experience I hate liking someone, and when I do I am just worried and I need to know how the other person feels also. And that is what she is saying. I am falling for you, and I need to know if you feel the same way. Because no one wants to be in love alone.

I stumbled across this song while listening to Major’s ‘Why I Love You‘ which already had me in my feelings, and then I heard this. That night was just a recipe for snuggling up next to a bottle of Kroger wine and tears slowly streaming down my face.

Image result for crying while drinking wine gif

One part of the song she says “But this thing is new baby. Feels like I’m losing control.” When I heard that part I knew this song was for me to hear. You might know that feeling when you can get so emotional and realize you are not as guarded as you thought. You haven’t felt this way in a long time. You start realize you are in deeper than you than you thought. Falling.

Trust me when I tell you that this is a song that you will want to hear. We all have that In  My Feelings playlist, so get ready to add this song to the list next Mary J’s ‘I’m Going Down’.  So be cautious when you are listening because these words may hit close to home. And you might find yourself like me snuggled up with some Merlot.

 

Check it out below.

It’s not you, it’s me

The famous break up line “It’s not you, it’s me”, has been heard in movies, tv shows, and real life situations. It usually means someone is taking blame for a breakup. In my case I am not quoting this phrase due to a break up, just my life for at this point.

Have you ever noticed yourself being frustrated a lot more than normal? Or are you starting to pick fights with family members for the smallest things?  Everyone else is the problem? Then take it from me, this is for you and you might be the problem.

I am 25 years old with a B.A. in Communication and minor in journalism from THE Coastal Carolina University, and I stay with my mother. So this is my personal testimony on this topic.

A little backstory:  I decided to move home March of 2015 after graduating in August of 2014.  I thought  moving home seemed like the smartest way to save money, and not be tied to a lease. if I was to land a job somewhere else.  So I would worked to save my pennies and keep applying for jobs within the journalism field. To my surprise finding a job within the news field is extremely difficult, and everyone wants two to five years of experience from college students.   I did however develop have a nice savings account backing me until rainy days and other stressful situations came. I did land a job at a news station, and worked as a master control operator for six months. It was a temp to hire position, that I my six months did not compete well against someone with ten years. But I still got the professional experience, so I am grateful.

It is now half way into 2017 and I am still staying home and I noticed a change in my behavior. I am annoyed.  For sometime I thought it was everyone else who was the problem? Because how could I be a problem for any one?  Until one day it hit me that I was the problem. Being mad with everyone else because I am truly upset with myself.

Do not take mistake my annoyance of staying at home with being ungrateful or unappreciative, because moving back to home was the smart thing to do. It just isn’t something that was meant for me to do as long.

My space is not my space, the rules are not my rules, and the comfort is going. Which in itself can be that fire that puts you to action and start moving forward. Moving myself back on the path that I once visioned.

This butterfly wants to fly. I just haven’t used my wings in a while.

It is me because I am the only person preventing myself from finding greener pastures.  And being content with content is not how I ever thought I would live my life.

To quote my favorite line from the movie Set It Off, “It ain’t you that I’m mad at“.

She is a bitch and her name is Karma

We all may have heard the saying, “What goes around comes around“, but we never really knew if that was  true or just something we are just use to saying. Well, take it from me karma came around and she is a bitch.

From my experience with the phrase ‘What goes around come around’, means you have done something mean, hurtful, or just not nice to another person and you will get yours one day. Which in some sense can be a way of bringing peace regarding a situation knowing that the universe will handle it. So you should let go and move on. On the other hand when you are receiving what you have once given that is where the bitch comes in. 

My personal testimony on this matter is that I am on the receiving end of what I have once given off, and it involves a guy.

When I was in college I loathed the thought of being in a relationship and falling in love again. I did not want to give my all to someone as I did with this guy I dated for my last two years of high school. So, when I got to college I was in my Trina ‘Single Again‘ mindset. Which meant I led a lot of guys on, dated , tried friends with benefits, you name it. No Shirley Caesar. Wanting companionship, but do not want to commit because you are to guarded after the last person broke your heart.

The saying goes, “Having your cake and eating it too“.

Although I was in my ‘Single Again’ mindset there was this one guy that I got into a relationship with that lasted about two years.We was great together aside from all the drama and foolishness, and I gave him as much as I allowed myself to give him knowing he was giving me his all. I was selfish. I was not the best boyfriend, and I knew that. He had his faults that contributed into the fall of our relationship, but I would be lying if I said that the way I acted did not contribute to his faults or insecurities. You really hurt people that way. Because they know you care for them, but you do not know it yourself.

I acted as if I was single sometimes while dating someone. And I have developed feelings for someone who acted just as I did when I was in college sometimes. And it hit me like a head on collision when I thought to myself, Now I see how my ex must have felt dating me“.

Now isn’t that a bitch?

The funny thing about karma is that once you are on the receiving end you are aware of it, or at least I am/was. You then come to realize that you should always treat others how you want to be treated, that old saying.  You start to  give others advice to be cautious with things they are doing because you know from experience that they will one day be in that same situation and paralyzed from getting out. Like an older person speaking wisdom to the youth, but you do not listen. You think you are invincible, until it is you.

She is a bitch and her name is Karma.

Under construction

2016 has been a roller coaster of a year for me, and in this roller coaster of a year I have neglected my website and my writing. My purpose for this site was to enhance my writing. With almost a year of not posting I have to re-grease the wheels to start back up. No more putting it off for me. That is stopping. I am coming back, and I am trying to produce a better page for my readers.

Demetri

Carowinds releases video of Fury 325

Carowinds officials released their first test run video for their new coaster Fury 325.

The video was released late Wednesday afternoon and is taken from the riders point of view. Giving the viewer the feeling of actually being on the ride for the first drop.

Fury 325 will be debuting in the Spring, and will be the world’s fastest and tallest giga-coaster.

A giga coaster by Wikipedia definition, is a type of roller coaster with a height or drop that ranges from 300 feet (91m) to 399 feet (122m) and completes a full circuit.

The ride stands at 325 feet tall with an 81 degree initial drop. The ride reaches a high speed up to 95 miles per hour. Japan’s Steel Dragon 2000 will be moved to second place for the tallest giga coaster, standing at 318 feet tall.

Fury 325 is part of a $50 million-year expansion for the North Carolina park.

Victor Hampton released from Baltimore Ravens

Ravens player dropped

Ravens player dropped

Baltimore Ravens cornerback Victor Hampton was released following an arrest made in Charlotte.

Hampton, 22, was arrested in Charlotte for speeding, reckless driving, and possession of an open container over the weekend. Reported that he was driving 100 mph in a speed zone of 55 mph.

The team confirmed Monday that they will be dropping Hampton. Who signed with the Ravens in January.

Hampton never played or practiced with the Ravens while being signed.

Hampton studied at the University of South Carolina and is originally from Darlington, South Carolina.