Cheated, but not defeated

Have you ever wanted to ask your partner if they are creeping while you are sleeping? Do you know what you are going to do after hearing a potentially gut-punching answer?

Let me tell you about this clip from the Braxton Family Values (BFV). These ladies will tell you why you shouldn’t ask.

On an episode of BFV, the ladies discussed  infidelity in relationships and Toni delivered a message that will sink in and make you think.

She said, Never ask your man about another woman. Because if you are not going to do something about it you will become the other woman’.  Tamar asks how do you become the other woman and Toni adds, You ask about the other woman and don’t do anything he doesn’t respect you anymore because you are accepting it. So don’t ask unless you have an action behind it“. 

I agree with Toni, but I do not agree with accepting cheating. Toni could be thinking out of sight out of mind, but when it boils down that is still accepting it. I would like to think that if the person you are dealing with is stepping out in the relationship that things should be over. That isn’t always the case,though; sometimes we still stay.

After watching the clip a few questions came to mind regarding their conversation:

  1. Should you ask a question that you don’t want the answer to?
  2. Why do we stay? Are we dumb for staying?
  3. Can you ever trust or move on from infidelity?

Should you ask a question that you don’t want the answer to?

A question will lead you to an answer. I agree with Toni when she says do not ask unless you are prepared to do something. When you are asking a question like that you must already be prepared for the answer you ultimately don’t want. You are asking because you have a sense that something is going on already. So what do you have planned?

There is a saying that goes, “If you go looking, you will find it“. If you snoop in your partners things you will find something. The same goes with asking a question you might not want the answer to. I found this out the hard way in a previous relationship and got my feelings hurt each time. Now that I am older, I see how that should have been my sign to end things. You are only making yourself unhappy, especially if you decide to stay each time.

Why do we stay?

You find out he cheated and you still stay with him. Now you have to come up with a reason to explain to everyone why you are staying. Do not give them an answer. You are still there because you are in love, and you want to try and make things work. This is your relationship and you are in it until the wheels fall off.  Some people make the mistake of  letting people know to many details of their relationship, and start making decisions based on other’s opinion. Those same friends will offer you advice of how they would leave his ass, so you can be single with them trying to prove that they are happy being single. Girl bye. You do not owe anyone an explanation and you do not need their advice on the matter.

We associate weakness with continuing a relationship with someone who has stepped out in the relationship. Why? What is wrong with trying to make things work and get back to those happy moments? That is why you are staying, and there is nothing wrong about that. When you are truly tired and feel you’ve had enough, that is when you will leave.

Ask yourself, “Am I happy? Does he make me happy?”

Sometimes your partner needs to see how life will be without you to truly see how much they care for you. Realizing that with them it was just sex, and you two connect on things more than physical. Something he only has with you.

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Can you ever trust again or move on from this?

Trying to rebuild trust and move forward is the hardest part with continuing your relationship. This becomes the biggest challenge because you will never forget that moment when your heart felt like it was stomped on. The smallest thing can serve as a trigger to take you back to that moment. This is what will create doubt, and for you to question everything. It will eat away at you, because you love him more than he can even imagine. And he still hurt you.

Here is where we mess up the most: due to doubting them, you nag and are always questioning them. How do you move forward if you are continuing to bring up the past you want to forget? (Okay, now that was deep). You have to realize that as you continue to bring up the past you are pushing them away. Try to stop telling him each time you have this feeling and  find a way to take your mind off of it. You do not know how he may have changed.  Maybe he realized that you are not worth losing and he is trying. The constant doubt gives the impression he will never be able to prove himself to you, and you are now hurting him. Now no one is winning. Rebuilding the trust will take some time, so you have to decide if it is worth it.

You have to love them as much as you can today.

Love is a gamble. We just have to hope our hand is a good one.

 

 

 

Mood Music: ‘Fall For You’ Leela James

Just when you think that you have built up walls to not cry over Jasmine Sullivan, Adele, and good ole Mary J. Blige you find another song to tug at your emotions and throw you back in your feelings.

Let me tell you about the song ‘Fall For You by Leela James, and how this song helped me take residence in my feelings.

The beauty of her voice when she sings the lyrics captures you, and puts you into a trance. And when you realize you are in the same situation she is singing about you are pulled in deeper. You realize that you are falling yourself and start smile with uncertainty.

In the song she asks, “Would you catch me if I fall for you?” A simple question, but a damn hard one to ask.  From my own experience I hate liking someone, and when I do I am just worried and I need to know how the other person feels also. And that is what she is saying. I am falling for you, and I need to know if you feel the same way. Because no one wants to be in love alone.

I stumbled across this song while listening to Major’s ‘Why I Love You‘ which already had me in my feelings, and then I heard this. That night was just a recipe for snuggling up next to a bottle of Kroger wine and tears slowly streaming down my face.

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One part of the song she says “But this thing is new baby. Feels like I’m losing control.” When I heard that part I knew this song was for me to hear. You might know that feeling when you can get so emotional and realize you are not as guarded as you thought. You haven’t felt this way in a long time. You start realize you are in deeper than you than you thought. Falling.

Trust me when I tell you that this is a song that you will want to hear. We all have that In  My Feelings playlist, so get ready to add this song to the list next Mary J’s ‘I’m Going Down’.  So be cautious when you are listening because these words may hit close to home. And you might find yourself like me snuggled up with some Merlot.

 

Check it out below.